If you are a Star Trek fan, you will know what a Changeling is. It is someone that is liquid form and can shape themselves into anything they want. They can become rocks, trees, humans and so on. They are also known as Shape Shifters. This is what I feel like right now. A Changeling. I think we are all Changelings at some point or another.
Lately, I have been feeling lost in the middle of my life. I think I’ve been feeling lost for the last few years but I haven’t been able to figure out why. I kept thinking that maybe it was because of what happened in the past. My other life that was destroyed. Maybe it was decisions I’ve made that are causing me to feel this way. Well, yesterday I had a revelation that only God can provide.
This lostness has been weighing on my mind almost continually for a while. It turns out that I’m not weird (although that’s debatable). It turns out that I am in midlife. The autumn of my life! Yes, I’m having a midlife crisis! No, I’m not having affairs, no younger men, and haven’t run out and bought a fancy convertible sports car. But nevertheless, it is a midlife crisis.
Yesterday, as I was searching the internet to explain my lost feelings and trying to find the answers, I discovered an article that explained where I was in my life. I think God lead me to the article because I’ve been feeling desperate to find my way out of this fog. It was exactly what I’ve been searching for to explain the way I was feeling and how to get through this.
The article talked about how when we are young we think like astronauts. The sky’s the limit! We’re always moving forward, pursuing our dreams because we feel we have plenty of time. As we get to midlife, we become archaeologists. We start digging through our past trying to make sense of things that happened to us. Looking at our past relationships trying to figure out the “why” of that situation. The author cautioned that in order to effectively review our past life we must first come to terms with three things; aging, the death of your dreams, and regret.
For me, the aging part doesn’t really bother me. I never feel like I’m old and I’m in good health. The death of my dreams dig up a few emotions that I didn’t realize were there but the biggest thing for me is regret. As I continued to read, the author made some statements that were eye-opening for me. If I am struggling with aging, dream death and regret, it means I have trusted more in “things” and not in God. Romans 1:25 says that I have exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped things instead of my Creator. Wow! That was a revelation for me!
The impact of this was mind blowing! For the last few years, I have been searching through the rubble of my life looking for the answers to why my ex-husband didn’t love me. Why he abused me and my children. Living with the regret of why didn’t I leave sooner. Trying to understand why I was abandoned by the church and people. Not realizing that my trust was in all these things and not God.
As I was telling my daughter about the article I sent her the link to read it. She said, “Mom, this was perfect for you.” Then we went on to discuss the article and one of the things that she pointed out about me is that I like to do everything myself, my own way. She is correct. I have trusted myself and made decisions based on my way and not God’s way. I have taken refuge and security in my decisions and my own righteousness. I think this became more of a way of life for me because of the trust issue I have with the church.
God has presented these things to me to challenge me to step up and stop trusting in my own righteousness. I can repent of the pride and arrogance that my self-reliance has sprouted and pray for God’s guidance, he will hear me and answer me. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.” MSG
My life is not over! Actually, it is just beginning. God’s grace extends way beyond any decisions that I have made without consulting him. It means that God has opened doors for opportunities that have never been opened in the past. All that I’m required to do is trust him and move forward. Stop digging in the rubble of my past. There’s a line in one of my favorite movies that goes, “Regrets are a waste of time. They’re the past crippling you in the present”. (Wells & Sternberg. (2003), Under the Tuscan Sun, ) Everything that has happened in my life will be used by God. It will all work for my good.
I still think I might buy that convertible.
Tripp, David Paul. (2010) “Feeling Lost in the Middle of Your Life”. Retrieved from http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/mental-and-emotional-issues/feeling-lost-in-the-middle-of-your-life
Wells, A. (Director). Sternberg, T. (Producer) (2003) Under the Tuscan Sun [Film] United States. Touchstone Pictures.