I feel like I do this frequently. I can no longer figure out where I fit in my life. I know everyone is tired of hearing the same old song and dance. You don’t fit! No friends! and so on. I’m not sure what season of life I’m in right now, but it’s not a very fun one.
I don’t really understand the place in my life at this moment. Maybe this is the leftovers of what happens to you when the life you lived for 20 years disappears. I figure that 13 years and another marriage later, I should be past it but apparently, I’m not! Is this what happens when you get divorced? Is this the remnants of that leftover life still floating around? I’m trying to figure that out.
Maybe it’s a midlife crisis! After all, I am 53 and what is my life? I go to work every day and the people around me have made great careers for themselves. People, younger than me with their degrees and starting out on their life path! What did I do? I got married, raised children, followed my ex-husband around in the Army for 20 years, got divorced, remarried and went to work. The end! No great fanfare! Now, it is 13 years later and I’m standing here in the middle of all this trying to figure out my space. Maybe if I buy a convertible, it will all be clearer!
I think it all starts with divorce and the shattered, obliterated pieces of my life. I think divorce has a way of doing that to you. Everything that you thought was supposed to be permanent, is destroyed. On top of all that, the person I was married to was abusive and controlling. Yes, the divorce was good. I was able to get away from the abusive person. Maybe if I had divorced sooner, there wouldn’t be this imprint. I would have been able to move forward without all the searching that I seem to be doing right now. Maybe it’s harder to adjust because I got used to a controller telling me what to do. Not being allowed to think for me. There was no plan “B”.
I not sure if the place I’m at right now is designed by God or it’s the results of me doing my own thing but it is what it is! It’s the place I am right now so I’ll keep walking until I can find my compass.