For about the last 12 years I’ve been kind of wandering. Not literally but spiritually. If anyone has read a couple of my other blog post, you have read that I was married before to an abusive husband. He wasn’t physically abusive but verbally abusive which is just as bad. The old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is just not true.
About 15 years ago that glass house I had lived in came crashing down around my feet. . Everything I had believed about marriage and God just evaporated.
I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I grew up in church and lived the good life! I have great parents and the best, best friend. I believed everything that I had ever learned about God, church and following Him. Not radically things like snake charming but just normal church things. A lot of those things kept me from wandering off and getting in trouble. I would have been a maniac if it hadn’t been for church and my mama!
You would think that since I had been living in a abusive relationship, I would have been glad when it was over but if you’ve ever been in any kind of abuse, it doesn’t happen quite like that. Sometimes, it takes a while to pick up the pieces of your life and move ahead. I had been brained washed by the things he had said to me. He had made me feel dependent on him, which is what most abusers are going for. It is the power and control they love. So, I’ve been stuck in the past. Being stuck in the past is like getting stuck in gumbo mud! (People from the south with get that. )
Gumbo mud is the thick, sticky mud that get stuck on every part of you and everything else. If you drive your truck in gumbo mud you are stuck. Someone has to pull you out. Even then, your vehicle is covered with that thick, sticky mud. And if you don’t go wash immediately, the mud gets hard and then it takes twice as long to wash your truck. It is almost like you’ve been encased in this mud.
This is how I feel about my past. God delivered me out of that situation, but I haven’t washed the mud off. I still have pieces of mud stuck on me everywhere. The mud has been stuck for so long, that I have grown used to it. All this time, God has been trying to pull me to the river to wash all this mud off, but I keep pulling away like a child that has been distracted by the candy aisle at the store, or a new toy in the toy aisle.
Today, I was listen to a message and the speaker said that in order for me to move forward I have to let go of the past. The speaker said that if God has put a period, don’t change it to a question mark. In other words, stop asking why God didn’t answer my prayers. He answered them but just not in the way I wanted. If I release the past, God will pay me back for the injustice that was done to me and to my family. God never said it would be easy, but He promised that if I would take the first step, He would help me walk toward the future and wash that sticky gumbo mud off my heart. Isaiah 61:3 says that God will give me beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
It’s time to jump in the water!