Looking for the Light

searching

Have you ever been lost and just keep driving around searching for the way out?  You turn down one road and come to a end.  You turn around and get back on the main road and then take the next left.  Same thing again.  You drive for a while and then hit a dead end.  Again, you turn around and get back on the main road.

I remember getting lost once when we lived in Germany.  The kids and I drove to a post that was in the next town to go shopping.  This was my first experience with driving in a foreign country.  As we made our way back to the autobahn, I took a wrong turn and headed to somewhere.  I don’t remember where.  I just remember being scared to death!    I had no clue where I was or how to get back to where I was going.  As we drove on the autobahn we came to this rest area and pulled off the road.  I called my “then” husband,  scared to death, and of course  he was no help at all.  His advice was figure it out on your own.  Fortunately, the rest stop had lots of places of business so the kids and I went in the restaurant.  I could speak enough German to ask if someone spoke English.  The person I was speaking with must have known I was in bad shape because she told me I looked white as a ghost.  The staff was very nice and helped me figure out how to get back to the road I needed to get back home.  I think they even gave the kids something to drink.

I feel like this now.   I feel like I am searching for a way home and I can’t find it.  Lost, like I was in Germany, with no help, and God is saying just figure it out on your own.  For the last few years, this is how I have felt.  I once had the passion and devotion to God but now it seems like that is lost too.  Maybe God is punishing me like he did Moses.   Moses disobeyed God because he got angry with Israelites.   They were complaining, which they did often, about not have any water.  So in order for them to get water, God told Moses to smite the rock to bring water.  I can picture Moses.  He had been leading the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt for a while now.  He’s had to deal with their constant whining and complaining.  Probably about the time he was ready to smite the rock someone else complained and his patience hit the limit so instead of just smiting the rock with his staff, he hit it out of the ballpark like he was playing a baseball game.  He disobeyed God and didn’t get to cross over Jordan to the promised land.  His disobedience cost him something.  I know people might say that’s not the case but the Word also  says you reap what you sow.  When I was in 9th grade science class, I learned Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion and one has always stuck.   “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion.

When my life fell apart, I ran.  Hard!  I ran away from my faith.  I ignored God and did what I wanted to do.  If God couldn’t heal my family, then why should I serve him.  What’s the point.  And I know all the platitudes and scripture verses.   It is interesting that I am in the desert.   It is hot, dry and brown.  I’m sure it is much like the desert the Israelite’s had to wander in for 40 years for worshiping an idol.

So maybe this is my wandering.  Maybe God is causing the wandering as my reaping.  No matter how much God loves us, there is a payment for disobedience.  Yes, God has grace, loves me unconditionally and forgives me but he doesn’t necessarily erase the consequences.  People don’t like to talk about the consequences of disobedience.  Everyone wants to think that God is all sunshine and roses but sometimes that isn’t necessarily the case.   When I was a child, there was always a punishment for my disobedience but that didn’t mean my parents didn’t love me. Since God is my Father, then how much more does he want what’s best for me.  Sometimes we just have to walk through the consequences of our disobedience.

I think I might need a flashlight.

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About gypsygurl64

Just me and my thoughts.
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